The Five Ds

“My kids just won’t behave!”

“Why won’t she listen to me?!”

“This group of kids is running me over!”

I’ve heard it all.  Having been a public school teacher for 4 years, a parent, a group leader, and having been around the general public it was imperative that I develop a plan of expected behavior for children in my care.  I started out my teaching career wading through all the experts’ advice on classroom behavior plans, discipline structures, and reward systems.  As I perused them all, something significant was missing.  Kids can find all sorts of “cracks” in the rules to excuse the choices they make.  I had to devise something that was fool-proof.

Based on some teaching from a college professor, I began to use a plan known as “The Five Ds”.  Now, this is not exclusively my plan nor can I take credit for having developed it.  I will, however, testify to the beauty that comes in using it everywhere I teach.  It is the quick standard for my own children and it is the structure I put into place when handed a group of children to lead.  In my classroom, it was plastered on a huge poster on the wall.  In my home, it was placed on the fridge.  It’s easy.  It’s simple.  It’s memorable.  It works!!!  Ready….?

DON’T DO ANYTHING….

• Dangerous
• Disruptive
• Dishonest
• Damaging
• Disrespectful

That’s it.  Easy Peasy Chicken Cheesy.  By categorizing behavior we’ve eliminated the need to list each and every thing kids are not allowed to do, say, be, or think.  What we have done is delineated between which behavior is acceptable and which is unacceptable.

I dare you to think of one thing a kiddo “shouldn’t” do that isn’t covered.  Jumping on the couch?  Well…that would be dangerous because you could fall and get hurt, it would be disruptive because Dad is trying to watch the news, it would be disrespectful because Mom & Dad own the couch and you’re jumping on it without permission, and it could be damaging because you may have torn the fabric or left dirt stains.

The next step is easy:  punishment for violations.  Without fail, without question, without argument.  Put a punishment in place that fits the child’s age and personality/temperament.

When my own children were in their toddler years, time-out worked well.  We used the child’s age (say, 3 years) to determine the length of the punishment (time-out for 3 minutes).  Keep in mind that time-out needs to be a punishment and not a reward (no toys, no people, no TV, no nuthin’).  Once the 3 minutes were up, a great opportunity for relationship presents itself.  We would talk about which “D” the child violated, how he arrived at that choice, and what he can do differently next time.  It’s important to make this a coaching situation, not just a punishment isolated from learning.

Now that my kids are older, we keep a Consequence Jar.  It is full of slips of paper bearing specific jobs that anyone in their right mind would abhor.  Some examples include picking up dog poo in the yard, scrubbing the refrigerator, vacuuming the cars, cleaning floor mats, washing windows, or cleaning out cupboards.  If a child violates a “D”, they reach in the jar and select their punishment.  As an aside, receiving a punishment can be opportunity to violate again, so be ready.  Of course, once the task is finished it is important to visit with the child about what went wrong and why.

As for the classroom environment, The Five Ds are fantastic for group participation and conversation about expected behavior.  With five simple bullet points, the teacher has communicated the values for that micro-community and the standards to which each child will be held.  It is simple for parents and other teachers to understand.  It even builds class identity because each child is able to recite The Five Ds and express to others why their class is so well-behaved.

In teaching The Five Ds to children, it’s important to provide ample instruction accompanied with warnings…but only until the kids can recite them back to you.  For example, if Johnny is starting to respond in a disrespectful way (back talk, rolling eyes, etc.), remind him that the behavior is becoming disrespectful and even disruptive.  Explain that the behavior would be violating our Five Ds and a punishment will follow if it happens again.  Then follow through.  Once kids can recite all Five Ds, there is no need to warn:  they have already internalized the expected behavior and it’s time to move them to obedience.

The whole goal of parenting and teaching (they’re so similar, aren’t they?) is to coach children into becoming respectful, honest, trustworthy adults.  Setting up an immovable standard for behavior is the first step in instilling deep values into their hearts.  Creating predictable and consistent expectations enables and empowers children to make choices.  Training kids to submit to authority and function within a value system gets them ready for the real world of employers and social mores.  At the top of my list, however, is the knowledge that training my kids to obey honors God’s call to us as parents to “bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” (Ephesians 6:4)